And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
I chose this doctor after much research of who was the best of the best. If you know me, I will do everything to research and find out what I can do to set up for success in most areas of my life. After a recommendation to the clinic she works at, matching her to being one of the top doctors in the metro area for women, my insurance covered it...I called the clinic in 2010. She is a go getter, demands excellence, and she has a school of boys of her own at home. She loves to run and you almost need to have your running shoes on when talking to her because she talks so fast. She loves her patients.
Nonetheless, she started the conversation saying, "Carissa, how are you? I am here for you. I am not going to say I am sorry because this is your beautiful baby. But I do want to share with you something a patient of mine said to me years ago. You don't need to feel bad about any of the feelings you are having. That you need to grieve the child you thought you were going to have. You need to grieve the life you thought your child would have. I would like to connect you with a family that went through this same exact experience. They didn't know throughout pregnancy that their baby boy had down syndrome, and went through all the feelings you are having right now. I am going to come see you today."
It felt like the first time I could exhale. The first time I could allow a LITTLE bit of the guilt to go away. I could be weak, I could say I didn't have it together. I could cry and say I was broken.
What happened next is where God continues to reveal Himself. I emailed my coworkers at the school I teach at and explained to them that we delivered Jack, that he was born with an extra chromosome, and I boldly asked for prayers on our new journey. Within twenty minutes of sending that email I got a message from one of my coworkers. She wrote, "I just got your email. First of all congratulations on an absolutely beautiful baby boy. Second of all...I know all too well the emotions you are feeling right this minute. Please, please, call if you can. Anytime. I would love nothing more than to connect with you as soon as you are ready. I know that God has His hand in all of this. He always does. Please give that sweet little angel a hug from me-he now has a new 'auntie'." My coworker has a son with Down syndrome. In her next message she said, "Turns out we must have the same OB, because Dr. K called me right after I got your email. I knew it had to be you that she was calling about."
My coworker gave birth to her second child seven years ago. A baby boy that has Down syndrome and they also did not know through their pregnancy. I work in the same building, have had numerous conversations with her, go to the same church, and have known her for the past four years. I had no idea that she went to my doctor, my doctor had no idea that I worked in the same building.
In this past two weeks, this relationship has gone from occasional conversations in the hallway or classrooms to a divine friendship that gives me strength and hope of what the future holds. Her son is a fun, loving, joy filled seven year old that was so excited to meet our new baby Jack. On Easter Sunday, they met for the first time and I can only hope that Jack grows to be just like him. His Mom came over this last Saturday night to talk with me after my breakdown on Friday night. I asked her every question I have been wrestling with and I praise God for this woman. Thank you my friend!
I don't believe that any of the events that happened were a coincidence or luck, I believe that all of the things that have unfolded were constructed by God's perfect plan. I know this and believe this yet my heart still hurts at times. I have my low moments throughout the day and nights. I cried all night this past Friday. The things that get me the most is when I look too far ahead into the future. Will Jack be able to talk, will he be able to establish friendships, will he graduate from high school, will he live with us forever? I am reminded by many people to take one day at a time but when I allow my mind to wander that is what gets me the most.
On his birth day the devotional that Chris reads daily from InTouch Ministries was titled Breaking Free from Worry. It states that most Christians will claim to believe that the heavenly Father cares for us and His promises are dependable. And yet far too many keep right on worrying. That is me right now. It goes on to say that worry is a corrosive poison that eats away at our trust in God. It finishes with reminding that scripture teaches that God knows all our needs, concerns, and desires but still commands us not to worry. He wants our trust and if I allow Him, He will prove that the worry was unnecessary. http://www.intouch.org/magazine/daily-devotion
Tuesday, the 26th, was one of the hardest days of my life. It was also Luke's 2nd birthday. The next post I will write about what happened later that morning when the angel from the nail salon came to visit and Jack's stay in the NICU. Stay tuned...